Oral from the masters of aural

by

Bats are amazing. Using echolocation, they can catch insects in the darkest skies, or swoop down and fly over a pond set up by a photographer to take awsome pictures of them. They navigate in huge masses around caves, tuning out the cacophony of sounds emitted by thousands of other bats around them. Some drink blood. They can hover, do precise landings, and some of them can even run.

All the flying, echolocation, vampirism, and eating insects, may leave you thinking we have almost no good way to relate with our flying cousins. You would be wrong! What’s something most all humans (and those horndog bonobos) love? You guessed it, Oral Sex. To the Bat-J!

But this just raises so many questions. If 70% of females do it, and it improves chances for reproduction, are they the only ones that do it? Homosexuality exists in many animals studied, and bats may be no exception. Maybe they fill in for the 30% of females who don’t do like oral. So even bats could have “the trade” going on in those massive cave roosts.

Even more interesting than that: Are bats better at it than us? Think about it, we thought we were the best at it, but that was ’cause we just thought we were the only ones that did it. And of course we’re better at than those bonobos, we win almost every ape contest hands down, except for brute strength and having a tail. Bats though? Bats have been around a lot longer than we have, about 50 million years. That’s a lot longer than we have been around, even generalizing to the homo genus, which gives us around two million years.

The oral sex of millions of years ago was no doubt primitive to the oral sex we modern mammals are enjoying, but bats have been doing it for roughly 25 times as long (or at least could, who knows if the earliest ones did, lets just assume they figured out it was great pretty quick). Twenty five times the time for generations and generations of bats expertly licking penises. The mind reels.

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